This Week According to Jimmie (3/8/2013)

  • A Louisiana man filed a lawsuit against his ex girlfriend claiming she took his sperm without asking.  Authorities easily caught up with the woman who could barely see with both her eyes glued shut.
  • The TSA announced it will begin to allow retractable knives and baseball bats in carry-on bags.  The TSA claims that airline travel has become safer in recent years and they needed a way to justify their existence.
  • This week Ikea withdrew almond cakes from its restaurants in 23 countries after faecal matter was discovered in the cakes.  The furniture giant claims the chefs lost the assembly instructions and had to wing it.
  • Columbia College Chicago announced a new Comedy Performance and Writing degree program with Second City.  A spokesman for the college says the program is being well received as coffee shop owners have grown tired of hiring liberal arts majors.
  •  A Florida man was accused of masturbating in front of a 12-year-old girl, but told police he was just trying to fix a hole in his pants.  The man learned the controversial technique by watching online videos of men “fixing” a hole in the glory wall.

This Week According to Jimmie (2/22/2013)

  • A shooting and fiery crash left three people dead including a rapper on the Las Vegas Strip this week.  His manager, Suge Knight, could not be reached for comment.
  • This week NASA temporarily lost contact with six crew members on the International Space Station.  The crew members had no comment.
  • The FBI says it is battling a rash of sexting among its employees on government issued phones.  ”I don’t understand why people send naked pictures when they could just hire a real woman,” said a Secret Service employee.
  • Shia LaBeouf dropped out of his would-be Broadway debut “Orphans” this week over “creative differences.”  LaBeouf insisted that for the play to be believable all the orphans had to wear red wigs and sing “It’s a Hard Knock Life.”
  • This week police shot a man in Wicker Park after robbing a Subway restaurant.  The police got away with the loot and are expected to strike again.

This Week According To Jimmie (2/15/2013)

  • A crippled Carnival cruise ship, reeking of rotting food and sewage from overflowing toilets, limped into an Alabama port this week, which smelled slightly better.
  • A special ed teacher was caught smoking marijuana under the bleachers at a high school wrestling meet in Gurnee last week.  When spotted by students, the teacher put on his hockey helmet and ran down the hall giggling.
  • Christopher Dorner’s mother was spotted at a Mexican restaurant drinking white wine and eating chips and salsa while watching her son’s shootout on television.  When asked for comment she said she was saddened by the event and wished it never happened - white wine and salsa just don’t go together.
  • Mountain Dew introduced a new breakfast drink this week for those who don’t like coffee or tea.  While proponents of the new drink are excited about the announcement, they are still holding out for breakfast Cheetos.
  • On Valentine’s day, the Illinois Senate passed a bill clearing the way for same-sex couples to be legally married in the state.  The move was made in preparation for the highly anticipated gay divorce court on TruTV.