Our film “Boron 48” had a strong showing at the Chicago 48 Hour Film Project Awards Show with 5 nominations and 3 wins. (Best Actor, Best Use Of Character, Audience Favorite, Runner-up Best Writing, Runner-up Best Director.) Congrats to everyone involved on a great film!
A Louisiana man filed a lawsuit against his ex girlfriend claiming she took his sperm without asking. Authorities easily caught up with the woman who could barely see with both her eyes glued shut.
The TSA announced it will begin to allow retractable knives and baseball bats in carry-on bags. The TSA claims that airline travel has become safer in recent years and they needed a way to justify their existence.
This week Ikea withdrew almond cakes from its restaurants in 23 countries after faecal matter was discovered in the cakes. The furniture giant claims the chefs lost the assembly instructions and had to wing it.
Columbia College Chicago announced a new Comedy Performance and Writing degree program with Second City. A spokesman for the college says the program is being well received as coffee shop owners have grown tired of hiring liberal arts majors.
A Florida man was accused of masturbating in front of a 12-year-old girl, but told police he was just trying to fix a hole in his pants. The man learned the controversial technique by watching online videos of men “fixing” a hole in the glory wall.
A shooting and fiery crash left three people dead including a rapper on the Las Vegas Strip this week. His manager, Suge Knight, could not be reached for comment.
This week NASA temporarily lost contact with six crew members on the International Space Station. The crew members had no comment.
The FBI says it is battling a rash of sexting among its employees on government issued phones. ”I don’t understand why people send naked pictures when they could just hire a real woman,” said a Secret Service employee.
Shia LaBeouf dropped out of his would-be Broadway debut “Orphans” this week over “creative differences.” LaBeouf insisted that for the play to be believable all the orphans had to wear red wigs and sing “It’s a Hard Knock Life.”
This week police shot a man in Wicker Park after robbing a Subway restaurant. The police got away with the loot and are expected to strike again.
A crippled Carnival cruise ship, reeking of rotting food and sewage from overflowing toilets, limped into an Alabama port this week, which smelled slightly better.
A special ed teacher was caught smoking marijuana under the bleachers at a high school wrestling meet in Gurnee last week. When spotted by students, the teacher put on his hockey helmet and ran down the hall giggling.
Christopher Dorner’s mother was spotted at a Mexican restaurant drinking white wine and eating chips and salsa while watching her son’s shootout on television. When asked for comment she said she was saddened by the event and wished it never happened - white wine and salsa just don’t go together.
Mountain Dew introduced a new breakfast drink this week for those who don’t like coffee or tea. While proponents of the new drink are excited about the announcement, they are still holding out for breakfast Cheetos.
On Valentine’s day, the Illinois Senate passed a bill clearing the way for same-sex couples to be legally married in the state. The move was made in preparation for the highly anticipated gay divorce court on TruTV.
There was a blackout during the Super Bowl last Sunday when the stadium suddenly lost power. Sources say it’s not the first time it’s happened and expect the man to recover once he sleeps it off.
A Russian woman let her boyfriend of less than 24 hours tattoo his name across her face. The woman said she did it after a long night of partying only to wake up with the face tattoo, a severed finger, and a chain smoking monkey in a Bangkok hotel room.
A Canadian man, who won a contest to attend the Super Bowl, missed the game after he was denied entry to the US because of a marijuana conviction 30 years ago. After learning of the news, the contest’s sponsor invited him to their Super Bowl party in Vancouver to partake in activities which included sitting in recliners, eating munchies, and watching the Dark Side of the Rainbow.
Facebook is planning to release a tracking app that will help users find friends who are nearby. The app is expected to be popular among teens, overprotective parents, and men who hang out in white vans.
Police say an upstate New York woman passed drugs to her son while kissing him when she visited him in jail. Police also suspect she passed some other things while giving him a handy.
Gusty winds tearing through Chicago blew down a south side home last week reducing it to rubble. The owner of the home said he’ll rebuild as soon as he removes all the hair from his chinny chin chin.
The original Hooters restaurant in Houston spruced up it’s decor for the first time by giving itself a facelift this week. The company said it was necessary to update its looks to stay competitive - and to distract customers from its original Hooters girl who now goes by flapjacks.
Last week NASA beamed a picture of the Mona Lisa to the moon. ”It’s about d*mn time!” said Honeymooner Ralph Kramden
Authorities in California say the voice actor who portrayed Charlie Brown in the popular “Peanuts” cartoons was arrested on stalking charges. The victim first became aware of the actor stalking her when she noticed a giant blockhead.
It was announced this week that J.J. Abrams, director of the latest Star Trek movie, will direct the new Star Wars sequel. The movie is rumored to end with Darth Vader marooned on a desolate planet yelling his father’s name - “KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!!!!!!”
Subway was accused of shorting its customers this week after an Australian man posted a picture of a footlong sub that only measured 11 inches. In response to the allegations Subway said - “hey - it was cold outside!”
Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah this week that he used performance enhancing drugs. In other news, researchers have found a cure for cancer - performance enhancing drugs.
Kelly Hildebrandt and Kelly Hildebrandt: The couple who met on Facebook, fell in love, and married over a shared name, have now filed for divorce. Proving you can only f*ck yourself so many times.
Two deaf twin brothers in Belgium were euthanized by their doctor after realizing they were going blind and would be unable to see each other ever again. Family members were outraged because the brothers thought the doctor said they were going to get “youth and eyes.”
This week Pat Robertson said that “awful-looking” women are to blame for romance-deficient marriages. I’m sick and tired of these bible thumping right wingers thinking they know it all - just because they got this one right.
An Icelandic man drank too much alcohol on a flight to New York and was taped to his seat when he became he became unruly. After restraining the man, flight attendants dipped his hand in warm water and drew a penis on his face.
A Wilmington middle-school student is suing the school district after being forced to urinate in a cup on a moving school bus last January. Also suing the school, the motorist directly behind the bus.
A Catholic priest is on leave after calling 911 to report he was stuck in a pair of handcuffs he’d been “playing with.” I don’t think handcuffs were the only thing he was playing with.
A 489 pound tuna sold for $1.76 million last week in Japan. The buyer plans to live in it for 3 days and 3 nights and then go preach to Nineveh.
Earlier this week Tommy Chong said that Justin Bieber got his talent from smoking weed. Which makes me think Tommy Chong stopped smoking weed in the 80s.
Israel passed a law banning models who are too skinny in an effort to curb eating disorders. Photographers overwhelmingly support the new law because it prevents the risky model behavior of - being in Israel.
Things got so heated during fiscal cliff negotiations that Speaker of the House John Boehner told Harry Reid to “Go f*ck himself.” Despite the harsh language, Reid was thrilled that Boehner had finally come around to encouraging same sex relations.
86 year old Hugh Hefner and his model girlfriend, Crystal Harris who is 26, tied the knot on New Year’s Eve at the Playboy Mansion. When asked about the age discrepancy, Hugh said “it’s about time people got over the age stigma and let people marry whoever they want - even if she is over 25.”
A photographer was killed trying to take a picture of Just Bieber’s white Lamborghini as it was being pulled over by the police. Upon learning of the incident Bieber was outraged stating - “that car was supposed to be faster than the cops.”
Katt Williams faced gun related child endangerment charges after being jailed following an incident at his home. When asked about the charges, Williams said, “How do you keep kids safe without guns?” (This is not a joke it’s what he actually said.)